Why do I fight? What to do about anger?

I know I have anger within me. The source is internal, not external. Though, it may seem external the cause is internal.

I want to be free of suffering. Free of anger. Be a loving person.

What is the strategy to come out of suffering?

1. Meditate 1.5 hour in the morning; Give metta at the end of every meditation
2. Meditate 1.5 hour in the evening; Give metta at the end of every meditation
3. Give metta to yourself at the end of every meditation
4. Don't be too hard on yourself
5. Exercise daily
6. Know in advance situations and conversations that make me angry
7. Observe my breath and sensations during tense situations
8. Keep my mouth shut -- do not react -- when I am agitated
9. Don't talk unnecessarily
10. Don't worry about things that are not under my control
11. Track Vipassana log everyday

Vipassana can help eradicate impurities, little by little. Don't expect miracles. If you have a lot of impurities in you, the process can take a long time - a few lifetimes

Things I like about my father

My father is a wonderful human being. Yet, I have had a difficult relationship with him over the years. Here is a list of things I like about my father.

1. His generosity - he is generous to the core. He gives more to others than what he keeps for himself. 
2. His loving kindness - he is kind to all living beings - be it people or animals. Be it wealthy or poor. He is kind to one and all.
3. His friendliness - even though my father has not been successful financially, he has countless friends. This is because he is a good human being. People feel safe around him. People like themselves when they are with him.
4. His love and care for his children - he has dedicated most of his adult life to the well being of his children, even when his children have had bitter relationship with him at times
5. His dedication to my mother - he has patiently taken care of my mother's health issues, even though they have had differences most of their lives
6. His dedication to my grandparents - he worked day and night to look after my grandparents during their old age, which lasted for more than 10 years. He took care of them without complaining, even though he had a bitter relationship with his father.
7. His sense of adventure - he has been bold through his youth and most of his adult life. He has not been afraid to lose his wealth, fame, or life to pursue something in his life. He perhaps lacked perseverance, but he has been willing to take chances in his life, and has faced failures smilingly for the most part.
8. His love for art, literature, music, nature, and finer things in life -- my father is responsible for my interest in nature, literature, music, fine arts, travel, and culture
9. His passion for healthy lifestyle - my father is responsible for inculcating my passion for healthy lifestyle -- be it swimming, skiing, yoga, hiking, or eating healthy
10. His spirituality - he believes in not harming other. I am most grateful to him for introducing me to Vipassana meditation to get rid of impurities in my mind. He helped me lead to the gem of Vipassana in my life. I am indebted to him for the rest of my lives for helping me find Vipassana.
11. His equanimity -- his ability to smile at ups and downs in life
12. His love, respect, and affection for my wife
13. His athleticism -- my father was very athletic during his school years
14. His ability to maintain relationships -- even to this day, his childhood friends remember him very fondly. In fact, it was one of his school friends who provided me with financial documents to come to the US
15. His tireless patience and help in finding me a wife

Year 2014

2014 has been a year of changes. Change is the only constant in life. Buddha says everything is impermanent, changing, annica all the time -- every kalapa changes trillions of times in a moment. This feeling of anncia can be felt at subtle level. Today, I want to talk about major changes in my life that were quite apparent.

The year started with my return from India in January. I had gone to meet a few girls for matrimonial purpose. I had gone this time with a strong determination to get married. Unfortunately, I could not find a suitable match -- either the horoscopes didn't match, the girls didn't want to come to the US, or they didn't like me. I came home empty handed. Though, I was very happy to spend time with my family and my nieces.

After returning from India, I was struggling a bit. It is always tough to adjust to life in the US once I have spent happy times with family in India. I have not been able to find the warmth and love in the US that comes flowing so naturally to me in India. I went to Dhamma Siri in Kaufman the first free weekend I could find since my return to the US. The vibrations at the meditation center helped me during that time.

Once I adjusted to life in the US, I started searching for a match again with all my might. I tried Shaadi.com, called friends, called friends' friends, and any acquaintance who could help me find a match. I also expanded my search for proposals outside of the major metro areas in India and also included professions other than just software engineering.   

Due to my good luck, I came across a profile of a lovely lady from a small town in India. She appeared as someone who is kind, loving, and health conscious woman. Her eyes radiated with love and serenity. I expressed interest in her profile, which she (actually her sister on her behalf) accepted. The sister sent me the profile with additional info and I reciprocated in kind. Then, I spoke with the girl's brother who gave me the girl's phone number. The day I called her, she was visiting her sister in Delhi. The conversation went beautifully well -- she sounded sweet, kind, loving -- someone without any pretense or hidden agenda. I liked her right away and decided to pursue the proposal further. We then had a few Skype sessions, a few phone calls, a few calls with her mother and brother. Everything seemed to be going well. We then decided to meet in person and agreed that if we like each other in person, we will get married on my trip.

I then went to India again in April to meet the girl with my parents. We went to Tenali, a small town in southern India. Being from Mumbai, we had never explored south India. Her brother came to pick us up at Vijaywada airport. He was just as nice, simple, and easy going as the girl we were about to meet. We stayed at Gautham -- a new hotel in Tenali. That afternoon, we went to meet the girl at her house. My first impression of meeting the girl in person was that she is everything I had thought she would be -- kind, loving, pleasing to the eye, soft spoken, and well cultured. I also felt the girl was much more spiritually advanced than I was. This is something I had never felt in my interactions with other girls. The girl then took me to a room for a private meeting. We spoke about our likes, dislikes, expectations, desires, and such. She told she would like to work after marriage, which I thought was a good thing. We both liked each other in our face-to-face meeting. My parents also liked the girl very much.

We returned to the hotel that afternoon, hoping I would get married on this trip. That evening the girl and her family along with their family friend came to meet us at the hotel. We got engaged and exchanged sweets. We were all very happy. We were just waiting for the wedding date, which we thought would be the day of Akhat Treej that Friday.

As luck would have it, the girl's family decided not to get her married on this trip. But instead wait for sometime so that they could invite their relatives for the wedding. We returned to Mumbai the next day -- happy that I was engaged and a little disappointed that I did not get married on that trip.

I then left for the US the Friday or Saturday of that week. We continued talking over the phone and Skype whenever we could. I realized the girl is extremely busy with two jobs and part-time help at her brother's store. This affected our ability to communicate more often, which upset me a lot. Like a fool, I expressed my discontent to the girl in a harsh manner. Unfortunately, I may have planted the first seed of fear in the girl after that incident. I tried to convince the girl and her family to send her to the US on fiancee visa as that will get processed faster and will allow me and the girl to stay together after our marriage. Unfortunately, I did not succeed in convincing them to send the girl to the US on fiancee visa.

Our wedding date was set for June 22. I went to India -- third time in a year -- a couple of days before the wedding. There wasn't much time between when we decided to get married and the wedding date. But we went ahead with the wedding ceremony and reception in Tenali. The next day, we went to get the marriage certificate. Once we got the marriage certificate, we left for Ahmedabad through Hyderabad. We finished the formalities in my ancestors' village and returned to Mumbai that night. It was a non-stop-travel for over 24 hours. We were exhausted. We were greeted by our friendly neighbors once we arrived at our home in Mumbai. Since the house was in a run-down condition, we spent the first night in a hotel. I made the mistake again of not going slow and tender on our first night. While we did not consummate our marriage that night, I did not do a good job of helping my wife lose her fear of me either. She was very upset, angry, and scared at the same time.

The next morning, we went home for breakfast and lunch, and then left for Igatpuri for a few days of honeymoon. The honeymoon was good time to get to know my wife. But again, reflecting back, I feel that I was a bit aggressive and impatient with her. On the last day of our honeymoon, which was a Sunday, we consummated our marriage. We returned to Mumbai that afternoon and had a wedding reception hosted by my parents.

Once the wedding celebrations were over, we took care of some legal matter such as opening a joint bank account, getting affidavit for our wedding from my uncle, aunt, and cousin. I was to work from India that week, but couldn't do much work. We were enjoying each other's company and our intimacy was growing. We were physically intimate a total of 13 times in the few days we spent together -- every other day, three times a day. I was exhausted!

I returned to the US a married man -- happy, relieved, and a bit nervous. I then applied for my wife's visa and have been waiting for her arrival in the US for almost six months now. I feel this long separation has been hard for both of us. It has created a lot of misunderstanding, a few fights, and we seem to be losing affection for each other. Life can be harsh at times, but one has to just accept it.

Besides getting married in 2014, I sold one of my houses, moved into a new house, and started renovating the new house.

All in all, it has been a great 2014. I am looking forward to 2015 and everything that awaits for me and my wife.